Day 76 – The Fear Remains

Today i am very aware of increasing fear the last few days.  This is a fear that has always been with me and it vacillates in its intensity depending on my level of presence in the moment.  Most days it is nothing more than a background sense of dis-ease out of awareness but still there.  Others, like yesterday and this morning it moves to the forefront of my attention and seems to hold me and grab for my attention every moment that attention is freed.

The last few days have been spent working on doing things that will generate income for me, and while i do enjoy doing them, i am aware they are not my passion and i do them out of fear of survival.  They hold my attention enough that i sacrifice my quiet time in favor of working and meeting the commitments i have made.  Those commitments and possibly some desire to be liked by others drives me to do the “work” more than i would prefer.

There can be balance and yet between the fear, and my new living arrangements, i find it challenging to do what i am passionate about in favor of doing what i think will lessen my fear.  The funny thing is, my past experience has shown me that truth lies in seeing it all the other way around.

 

Day 74 – The Fear We Can Not See

A Course In Miracles proposes that the purpose of attack is to blind us to fear, and the purpose of fear is to blind us to love (it says much more and in much more evocative language, but you get the point).  Well, in my looking at my experience(s) and reflecting on the Course teaching i made a connection i had not see before.

In my talks, workshops, and interacting with others, i go right to the fear.  i encourage others to look directly at the fear.  Only now am i realizing that they may not be able to see the fear.  This approach has been met with a great deal of resistance in the form of deflection and other unconscious behaviors intended to protect.

In looking at this i discovered that while i may be aware of the fear i experience, if i look back over my process and experiences, i was able to see the fear only AFTER spending a great deal of time looking at the attack and defense in me.  This is huge for me.

In looking at the defense and attack as i share with and support others in doing, it looses its hold on me.  What i mean by that is, in looking at and really feeling what it feels like every time i go on the attack or defense, i lessen its duration and its occurrence.  Essentially, by owning who i am each time i find myself being defensive, i am slowly shifting away from needing to defend because each time i look, i realize eventually that the defense is a reaction to a meaningless thought or story in my head.  With each occurrence, that particular situation that sparked the defensive reaction has less power to do so the next time and eventually, defensiveness and attack become only a small part of my experience.

This leaves room for other aspects of experience to surface in my awareness and for me, what began to surface was fear.  By removing the obstacles (defensiveness and attack) the fear that lay behind them became quite obvious.  I could not go directly to the fear as it was obscured by my very reactions to it.  How cool is that?

 

Day 72 – Defense and Attack

While spending time with a female with whom i am closely acquainted (difficult to stay away from the “friend” concept), a woman passed by.  In her passing i felt a twinge of heightened emotion and energy – physical attraction.  It lasted just a few seconds, and i found myself saying, “wow, that gal was really attractive.”  To share on this level is part of my practice with the woman i was walking with.

A few weeks later while with the same female, we were talking about something, relationships i think, when she said, “oh that’s right, you like blondes.”  What she said is of NO relevance – my reaction, on the other hand, is.

I became defensive and said some things to correct her and make her realize that i don’t “like” blondes and that she was making up a story about me, defining me based on one comment i made about a passing thought.  It felt good to correct her and defend myself, but only for a moment.  Then the true feeling surfaced, even before i had finished talking, and it felt yucky.

As i looked at the experience along with many other experiences where i was either defending or attacking (my defense above was actually an attack) and stripped each away, i recognized something i had not connected before – the GIFT lies not in awareness and looking at the feeling of defending, but rather, in the feeling that came a few seconds BEFORE the urge to defend.

In those few seconds, before she even finished talking, i was reacting to a thought.  The thought is not clear to me and does not matter.  The reaction does and my reaction was one of feeling diminished, limited, and ordinary.  It was the perceived need to get rid of that feeling which drove me to defend, and seeing that, looking at that, is the true gift that will set me free because my being diminished is just a story.  In my essence, i can not be anything but pure, innocent and invulnerable.

 

Day 69 – A Matter of Perspective

Thinking of an old friend who suffered a paralyzing aneurism many years ago; thinking of his life, the lives of his wife and children who lost their husband and father essentially shortly after starting a family – and i worry about having new sheets for my bed.

Thinking of the homeless person i saw the other day – and i fear about not having money to fix my car when it breaks in the future.

Thinking of the over 14,000 kids in Ohio who don’t know where their next meal will come from – and i expend much energy feeling sad, hurt, diminished and victimized over something someone said to me.

Thinking of the person in the nursing home whom no one comes to visit – and i have the audacity to complain about feeling lonely.

This selfish little me does not want me to see the big picture and works to keep my focus on ME.  How can anyone truly care about others with such a persuasive force keeping true unconditional love covered in a fog of littleness?

 

Day 63 – Discomfort In Saying No

I avoid having to say no more than i prefer.

I avoid having to hear no more than i prefer.

There have been periods in my life recently where i was able to offer a “quality” no without concern. What i mean by that is without worry that the person i said no to would think differently of me, would feel hurt, or would no longer like me the way they used to.  In essence, without needing to manage their image of me.

Here are some ways i avoid saying no or hearing no (and my use of them increases as my sense of, or belief in, “I am not enough” increases).

• To avoid hearing no, i pad my possibilities of a yes when wanting to spend time with someone by first asking if they are busy Saturday night, or asking what they are doing Saturday night.  After they have said they are not busy or are not doing anything, i have positioned myself as best as possible to receive a yes.  I could just Speak My Truth™ and say, “i want to spend Saturday evening with you.”
• To avoid hearing no, rather than directly asking for what i want, which is to go to a movie with them, knowing i will not go if they say no, i explain that i want to see this movie, or actually say that i am going and am wondering if they want to go.  This is manipulation in its purist form.
• To avoid hearing a no, i simply don’t ask for what i want, as if what i want is somehow wrong.  I love this one because then i can be angry that they did not offer.  Here is a quote that speaks to this one, “…upset because i did not get what i did not ask for.”
• To avoid having to say no, i use Caller ID to screen my calls.
• To avoid having to say no, I don’t ask what another person is doing, thinking they might invite me to something i have no interest in doing.

For a while there these maneuvers left my realm of behavior.  They remain obscure but resurface now and again, reminding me i am listening to ego as it tells me i have power over other’s feelings and for that reason i can not be honest.  It tells me i must “be” a certain way, i must avoid having to hurt another by saying no.  It’s silliness when i really pause and look at it closely.

I yearn for the day it leaves me completely.

 

Day 62 – Delaying Maneuver

I realize much of what i discover i’ve been deluding myself about could be labeled as negative, or bad stuff about me.  I have to keep in mind that labels and judging limit my experience, but for the purposes of this posting, well, they’ll just have to do.

So, the other day i was shown one aspect of me that until now i have been unable to see.  I have felt some frustration the last few months while attending a group i participate in on a weekly basis.   Until now i believed, or told myself, the frustration came from my judging the group as being stuck, and not moving forward (yes, i know, forward is another judgment, but we are using words here and i just don’t feel like taking the time to make this writing perfect by finding the perfect word, deal with it).

So, i have gone back and forth in my frustration, deciding to no longer attend the group and finding myself still going every week.  All the time believing my judgment that the group was responsible for my frustration and if they would only move on to more “deeper” topics, i would be fine.

I was clearly trapped in seeing things one way.

I saw their tendency to focus on ‘figuring out’ things we can only speculate on, as a Delaying Maneuver and felt frustrated because the focus tends to stay on the metaphysical aspects of life rather than the experiential.  That focus delays us from the experience of awakening.  As you know, i prefer the experiential as a method of unlearning all i have learned that blocks me from the awareness of the presence of God’s Love.

In listening to a friend, i was shown another way to experience the situation.  She showed me that while the group may focus on the ‘intellectual’, they are not the cause of my frustration and my wanting to leave.  In fact, she did not address cause at all, and this is where the shift took place.

I expressed the desire to stop going because of what they focus on, and she helped me to see that if i stopped going it would actually be because i was taking care of myself.  In not going i would be acknowledging that, for me, continued focus on thinking and speculation simply does not further my unlearning and remaining delays that.

It really comes down to that – does what i am doing/looking at/experiencing, further my awakening?  If it does not, i am free to make a choice – it has nothing to do with others; they do what they do and i do what i do.

 

Day 58 – i Think of Myself As…

At any moment, any one of these is possible.

At any moment, all of these exist, mutually exclusive and all there at once.

 

I think of myself as loving.

I think of myself as arrogant.

I think of myself as lost.

I think of myself as on a journey.

I think of myself as passionate.

I think of myself as disconnected.

I think of myself as lonely.

I think of myself as abundant.

I think of myself as victimized.

I think of myself as manipulated.

I think of myself as peaceful.

I think of myself as a loser.

I think of myself as nothing.

 

At any moment, ego uses whichever it thinks will give me the experience it tells me i want.

Essence rests quietly behind all this silliness in pure confidence, knowing.

 

I think of myself as ugly.

I think of myself as homeless.

I think of myself as happy.

I think of myself as petty.

I think of myself as vulnerable.

I think of myself as small.

I think of myself as invulnerable.

I think of myself as beautiful.

I think of myself as a body.

I think of myself as pretentious.

I think of myself as selfish.

I think of myself as an expert.

I think of myself as distracted.

I think of myself as personable.

I think of myself as attractive.

I think of myself as skinny.

 

When i am aligned with the ego thought system and believing it is my salvation, i often believe these thoughts as truth.

 

I think of myself as virtuous.

I think of myself as helpless.

I think of myself as trapped.

I think of myself as misunderstood.

I think of myself as enlightened.

I think of myself as foolish.

I think of myself as ahead.

I think of myself as intuitive.

I think of myself as a failure.

I think of myself as limited.

I think of myself as imposed upon.

I think of myself as empowered.

I think of myself as addicted.

I think of myself as weak.

I think of myself as incapable.

I think of myself as empathetic.

I think of myself as insignificant.

I think of myself as selfless.

I think of myself as invisible.

 

And yet i have had glimpses, moments where i have not thought of myself at all, and experienced strength, invulnerability, purity, innocence and joy in a way words can not come close to expressing.

 

Day 55 – Thou Shalt Not Kill “Humans”

In a study group the other day the conversation was getting heated.  People were engaged and going to lengths to position themselves to have their point be heard.  i too was engaged more than i typically am.  i knew this because of the experience in my body at the time.  Anyway, the interaction made its way to exploring our expectations – of self and others – relative to the notion of helping and/or hurting another.  We discussed lying as acceptable when it would protect another from feeling hurt, etc. (now there was much more depth to the interaction but detail is not necessary here.)

As we discussed our individual interpretations, somehow the Ten Commandments came up.  I don’t recall exactly what we were discussing at the time but i found myself saying, “Thou shalt not kill; no one, not one person has escaped this one.  We all break this one every day.” i was saying it to make a point of how we will often rationalize our behavior or thinking/interpretation of things to fit us – to fit what we are willing to accept, to fit the rules we believe as true, etc.  Also, in saying it i was challenging myself to find the willingness to be open to their expressed experiences as well.

The conversation paused only long enough for me to clarify when i explained in simple terms – “we kill things everyday.  We kill insects, plants, etc. not to mention the thousands of micro organisms we kill with each breath we take.”

i concluded from the collective reaction that what i said was not sitting well with the others, so i attempted to clarify by saying, “it does not say, Thou shalt not kill Humans”, and the reaction of pretty much everyone in the group surprised me.  They all (and i can only speak for the 4 or 5 i was able to observe in the moment) either rolled their eyes, or sighed, or made a comment that i was nuts, and that was it.  The conversation moved on.

Truth – first i felt ashamed (for about 2-3 seconds) – shunned.  Then came resentment (that lasted a bit longer, maybe a minute).  Then it let go of me and i was free again, to wallow in the mystery.

The mystery; how can something be so profound, so awakening, so enlightening for me, and so absurd (didn’t spend much time finding a word as i can’t know what it really was for them) for someone else?

I often experience such extremes.

 

Day 54 – Two Worlds

We experience two worlds; the outer world of  form and physical laws, and the inner world of thought and emotions.  Both seem equally real (if we are willing to really be honest about how we experience the inner world).  And, it is possible that both are equally illusory.

In stillness i discovered i now experience deeper joy and sense of Being while attending the inner world.

This is a major shift for me that until now i had not been aware of.  In the past, much of the past, i believed the outer world to be all there was.  I was barely aware at all of an inner world, an inner me, and what little awareness i had paled in comparison to the depth of peace i now experience when i go inward.  As one teacher words it:

I Love the company I keep when I am with myself.

The shift appears extreme, almost complete opposite.  The sense of disconnectedness i used to know relative to my inner world of thoughts and emotions now emerges quite often when i am attending the outer world of form and physicality.

I can only notice, and maybe for fun, assume balance will come and i will know peace in both.  And yet intellectually i can grasp that balance, where both are the same and have no effect on my experience of peace, is available to me now, in this moment.

 

Day 53 – Listening With Genuine Interest

Ever since i had the pleasure of experiencing the deep joy and sense of joining that surfaces while interacting with others when “i” am absent and only “I” remain, my efforts to recreate the experience have had limited success.  Let me reword that last part; rarely am i able to suspend my attachment to ego ( i ) and simply listen with genuine interest.

i am reminded of my unconscious focus on self every time i find myself feeling unsettled.  Typically, when i pause to look at the feeling i find it is somehow related to a past interaction.  After being with the feeling and letting it pass, i can look closer and i almost always find the thought that says i was not “with” the other person during the interaction.  What i mean by that is if i am deeply honest with myself i can find that my attention was not 100% on the other; i’m either thinking about what i’m going to say before they have finished talking, or i’m distracted thinking about or trying to notice what others in the area are doing or talking about.

This is a very old pattern for me, especially the distraction of noticing what others are doing or talking about.  I call it, “looking over my shoulder” for something bigger, something better, something juicer than this conversation.  Either way, whether preparing my next words in arrogance, or looking for something better, i realize the experience is anything but peaceful.

i tell myself i no longer do it and for a period i believe this to be true only to recognize after a short time that it is not the case; that i am still unable to suspend ego attachment for even the shortest periods of time without lots of work and looking.  Here is the paradox (maybe the wrong word but letting it be because i don’t think it is important enough to take the time to find a more appropriate word); anything other than simply noticing and looking at my experience, actually prevents me from having the experience.  “Trying” to listen, or “trying” to be focused is founded in effort, and effort is not peace.

The only way to experience the joy and sense of truly joining that surfaces while interacting with others is to get ‘me’ out of the way, and the only way to do that is to realize that “I am enough”.  When i really get that, when i really believe it, not “looking over my shoulder” ceases to be a thought pattern, ceases to be a technique or tool and incorporates into WHO i am.  From this place, listening with genuine interest happens on its own – the joy of joining with another happens on its own – the sense of invulnerability and depth of life… surfaces, and shows me who I really am.