I realize much of what i discover i’ve been deluding myself about could be labeled as negative, or bad stuff about me. I have to keep in mind that labels and judging limit my experience, but for the purposes of this posting, well, they’ll just have to do.
So, the other day i was shown one aspect of me that until now i have been unable to see. I have felt some frustration the last few months while attending a group i participate in on a weekly basis. Until now i believed, or told myself, the frustration came from my judging the group as being stuck, and not moving forward (yes, i know, forward is another judgment, but we are using words here and i just don’t feel like taking the time to make this writing perfect by finding the perfect word, deal with it).
So, i have gone back and forth in my frustration, deciding to no longer attend the group and finding myself still going every week. All the time believing my judgment that the group was responsible for my frustration and if they would only move on to more “deeper” topics, i would be fine.
I was clearly trapped in seeing things one way.
I saw their tendency to focus on ‘figuring out’ things we can only speculate on, as a Delaying Maneuver and felt frustrated because the focus tends to stay on the metaphysical aspects of life rather than the experiential. That focus delays us from the experience of awakening. As you know, i prefer the experiential as a method of unlearning all i have learned that blocks me from the awareness of the presence of God’s Love.
In listening to a friend, i was shown another way to experience the situation. She showed me that while the group may focus on the ‘intellectual’, they are not the cause of my frustration and my wanting to leave. In fact, she did not address cause at all, and this is where the shift took place.
I expressed the desire to stop going because of what they focus on, and she helped me to see that if i stopped going it would actually be because i was taking care of myself. In not going i would be acknowledging that, for me, continued focus on thinking and speculation simply does not further my unlearning and remaining delays that.
It really comes down to that – does what i am doing/looking at/experiencing, further my awakening? If it does not, i am free to make a choice – it has nothing to do with others; they do what they do and i do what i do.
