I avoid having to say no more than i prefer.
I avoid having to hear no more than i prefer.
There have been periods in my life recently where i was able to offer a “quality” no without concern. What i mean by that is without worry that the person i said no to would think differently of me, would feel hurt, or would no longer like me the way they used to. In essence, without needing to manage their image of me.
Here are some ways i avoid saying no or hearing no (and my use of them increases as my sense of, or belief in, “I am not enough” increases).
- To avoid hearing no, i pad my possibilities of a yes when wanting to spend time with someone by first asking if they are busy Saturday night, or asking what they are doing Saturday night. After they have said they are not busy or are not doing anything, i have positioned myself as best as possible to receive a yes. I could just Speak My Truth™ and say, “i want to spend Saturday evening with you.”
- To avoid hearing no, rather than directly asking for what i want, which is to go to a movie with them, knowing i will not go if they say no, i explain that i want to see this movie, or actually say that i am going and am wondering if they want to go. This is manipulation in its purist form.
- To avoid hearing a no, i simply don’t ask for what i want, as if what i want is somehow wrong. I love this one because then i can be angry that they did not offer. Here is a quote that speaks to this one, “…upset because i did not get what i did not ask for.”
- To avoid having to say no, i use Caller ID to screen my calls.
- To avoid having to say no, I don’t ask what another person is doing, thinking they might invite me to something i have no interest in doing.
For a while there these maneuvers left my realm of behavior. They remain obscure but resurface now and again, reminding me i am listening to ego as it tells me i have power over other’s feelings and for that reason i can not be honest. It tells me i must “be” a certain way, i must avoid having to hurt another by saying no. It’s silliness when i really pause and look at it closely.
I yearn for the day it leaves me completely.
