Okay, so the pattern I spoke of in my last entry about people not finishing the book is shifting. People are finishing it. Not sure why I needed to write that, just let it come out and now moving on.
I find myself these days in a financial situation I would have labeled and experienced as deeply frightening in the past. However, at this point in my life, I only occasionally experience it as frightening and I am aware that those times come when I am aligned with and listening to ego. You know, that thought system that tells me to be afraid, to trust myself only. It tells me that I have to ‘make’ things happen and I have to protect myself, and I have to, and I have to, and I have to….
When I am not aligned with that thought system of fear and I am resting in the peace that comes from trusting truth, I have a deep inner-knowing that everything is and will be okay. I find I vacillate between these two places more than I would like, but my awareness continues to increase with each vacillation. The other day I was expounding to a friend about my financial needs and my apparent inability to meet them (apparent because as of today, I have met them all, so it only appears that at some point in the future I won’t be able to meet them). I was explaining the irony of not having enough money to pay off my car while I only have four payments left, and in the middle of my misery spreading, this friend interrupted and said, ‘I would like to pay off your car for you’.
As she said this, I noticed immediately a shift in my experience. I felt resistance inside and found it very difficult to respond. I paused, looked inside for the willingness to see the beauty in this gift and struggled to accept her offer. I was unable in that moment to accept it cleanly. What I mean by that is I meandered around, tip toed into my acceptance and offered resistance in the form of questions like, “are you sure you want to do that?” and “you know you don’t have to do that.” Well, she knows that.
Then the gift came out of willingness. I remembered being in a class once when we focused on letting ourselves receive. That flash of a thought was all I needed and my resistance melted away. I told her I was aware of how I blew right past the depth of her giving and went right into resistance – I did not allow myself to truly receive the gift being given me and in doing that I was robbing her of the joyful experience that is giving.
I paused again and actually said to her that I wanted to pause and let myself take in the magnitude of her giving. It only took a few seconds of attending to myself and tears flowed from my eyes. I paused a bit more, settled into loving acceptance ,and only then was I able to offer a good, quality, “thank you.”
I realized a bit later in pondering my experience that receiving can be much harder than giving. I found old thought patterns of not being worthy, and the meaning i attached to needing help – I was a failure. I saw that these were merely that, old thought patterns I could chose not to believe and in seeing them, they freed me to give her the opportunity to experience joy in my receiving.
It can be challenging to truly receive what and when another gives, but if I am able to find the willingness to pause, and really take the experience in, ah, then the joy that is inside emerges and I am free to lovingly accept the gift.
How do you receive?